


The Bible rewritten by a Fourteen-Year-Old Christian who's bored

by proudkilljoy



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:47:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26592376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/proudkilljoy/pseuds/proudkilljoy
Summary: All your juicy details about God and his posse dumbed down to our Gen-Z standardsI was originally thirteen when I wrote this and that's the title on Wattpad but now that I'm putting it on here and I'm fourteen I have changed itAnd before any of y'all say "ahh that word should've been lit not glowed" or some shit like that just know that I cannot physically bring myself to use the word lit in a sentence where it is grammatically incorrect. I may be a Gen-Zer but grammar is very important to me (mostly) because it just gets on my nerves if it isn't used properly
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	1. Genesis | Chapter One

1\. In the beginning there was nothing, until God decided to create some shit, like you do. Because, why not.

2\. The Earth was empty and depressing, like Gods personality.

3\. And God said: "It's dark, let's make it not dark." And he clapped his hands and it was no longer dark. That was how clap on lights were made. 

4\. "Wow" God thought "Lights pretty cool, it sure is better than Darkness. We're going to give Light more priority."

5\. And God called the Light Day and the Dark Night, the evening and morning in one day.

6\. "Now, I will separate Light from Dark," God said, and thus segregation was created.

7\. God created a firmament and was like "Let's divide the water from below the firmament and above the firmament, that would be cool" so he did, because he is God.

8\. God decided to call the firmament Heaven, and that was the second day.

9\. God also said, "Hey, maybe we should let the waters under the firmament come together to make dry land" And so it was done.

10\. God called the dry land Earth and the gathering of waters Sea. "Man, that's fucking good. Good job, me" God said.

11\. God said, "Let's have some green shit in this place too, and a tree with rare fruits. Fuck yeah, I love me some fruits" And so it was done.

12\. The Earth brought the green shit, which yeildeth seed. The tree also showed up. "Mmm, yeah. That's some good shit," God thought.

13\. That was the third day.

14\. Then God said, "Let's have some lights here in Heaven too. They will show the years and all that Jazz. They'll be for seasons too. They will divide day and night, because everything has to be segregated." 

15\. "To shine down from Heaven onto Earth" And so it was done. 

16\. God made two greater lights, a greater light to rule the day, and a lesser light to rule the night. He also made some dope ass stars.

17\. He set them to shine from the firmament of Heaven to shine upon the Earth. 

18\. To rule the day and night, and to divide the light from darkness. God saw that as good.

19\. That was the fourth day.

20\. God also said: "Let's have a nice floppy boi swimming in the waters, and a flappy boi flying over the earth and under the firmament of heaven.

21\. So, God created the Great Whales and all moving creatures, according to their kinds. He also created the winged birds. God then said, "Noice."

22\. Then he blessed them saying: "Let you guys fuck. Fuck real hard my darlings. Multiply yourselves. It will be wicked.

23\. And that was the fifth day.

24\. And God then said: "I've done made creatures for the sky and the sea, now it's the earths turn. Let the earth bring cattle and creeping things, beasts of the earth, according to their kinds" And so it was done.

25\. So God created the creatures of earth, cattle and all things that creepeth the land, according to their kinds. God then nodded his head and said: "Nice"

26\. And he said: "Let us create the man in our own image, so that it can rule the land, and all the animals that roam it"

27\. And God created man in his own image, male and female, he created them.

28\. And God blessed them: "Fuck, my dear children, and fill the earth. Rule over all the little creatures that live here"

29\. And God said: "Listen here, I've given you all these nice plants to be your meat"

30\. "And all the animals upon this earth for you to feed upon" And so it was done.

31\. God saw all the things he had made, and he thought they were good. That was the sixth day.


	2. Genesis | Chapter Two

1\. So, Heaven and Earth were finished, and all the furniture and nice chairs with them.

2\. God rested on the seventh, he rested a lot. He slept and couldn't be bothered. He slept the whole day. You could hear him snoring. Ask Adam.

3\. He blessed the seventh day, because he had had a nice sleep on that day. 

4\. These are the generations of earth and heaven, as God had made them.

5\. All the plants weren't grown yet, though because it hadn't rained on earth yet. There was also no man that wanted to do garden work, because that's pussy work apparently.

6\. But a spring sprung(oof) up and watered all the plants.

7\. And the Lord God created man out of the slime of the earth, and breathed into his face the breath of life, which stunk so much man awoke, and became a living soul.

8\. And the Lord God had created a world of paradise and placed the man he had created to indulge it. (more like imBULGE it)

9\. And the Lord God brought forth a shit ton of trees, fair to behold, and pleasant to stuff in your mouth: the tree of life also in the midst of paradise: and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

10.And a river went out of the place of pleasure to water all the fucking plants, which from thence is divided into four parts.

11.The name of the first one is Phison: that is it which compasseth all the land of Hevilath, where gold groweth. He a rich bitch.

12.And the gold of that land is real fucking good: there is found bdellium, and the onyx stone.

13.And the name of the second river is Gehon: the same is it that compasseth all the land of Ethiopia. He was there when Lucy the monkey was alive uwu. 

14.And the name of the third river is Tigris: the same passeth along by the Assyrians. And the fourth river is Euphrates. Euphrates doesn't get a description because fuck him.

15.And the Lord God took man and put him into the paradise of pleasure to live and take care of it. It was like God was an old rich man with a lot of land and Adam was a young lady in a maid's outfit who had to take care of all of it.

16.And he commanded Adam, saying: "Of every tree of paradise thou shalt eat:

17.But of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat. For in what day soever thou shalt eat of it, thou shalt die the death." Ah, yes. Die the Death. It sounds like something Thor (Infinity War era) would say. "'It'll kill you.' 'only if I die.'

18.And the Lord God said: "It is not good for man to be alone: let us make him a waifu like unto himself."

19.And the Lord God having formed out of the ground all the beasts of the earth, and all the fowls of the air, brought them to Adam to see what he would call them: for whatsoever Adam called any living creature the same is its name. So Adam, with his big brain, named the jellyfish. 

20.And Adam called all the beasts by their names, and all the fowls of the air, and all the cattle of the field: but for Adam there was not found a waifu like himself.

21.Then the Lord God cast a deep sleep upon Adam: and when he was fast asleep, he took one of his ribs, and filled up flesh for it. Thus, organ harvesting was invented.

22.And the Lord God built the rib which he took from Adam into a woman: and brought her to Adam. And human trafficking was then created.

23.And Adam said: "This now is bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man." And thus, sexism was born.

24.Wherefore a man shall leave father and mother and shall cleave to his wife: and they shall be two in one flesh.

And they were both naked: to wit, Adam and hiswife: and were not ashamed. They were, in fact, nudists.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somewhere during writing this and the next few chapter my ability to summarize and commentate start dying off, but do not fear. It comes back later


	3. Genesis | Chapter Three

1\. Now the serpent was more subtle and slick than any of the beasts of the earth which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman: "Why hath God commanded you, that you should not eat of every tree of paradise?" He was a slithery snake. 

2\. And the nudist woman answered him, saying: "Of the fruit of the trees that are in paradise we do eat:

3\. But of the fruit of the tree, which is in the midst of paradise, God hath commanded us that we should not eat; and that we should not touch it, lest perhaps we die dead."

4\. And the serpent said to the woman: "No, you little fucking retard, you shall not die the death.

5\. For God doth know that in what day soever you shall munch thereof, your eyes shall be opened: and you shall be as Gods, knowing good and evil."

6\. And the woman saw that the tree was looked yummy yummy for the tummy to eat, and fair to the ORBS, and delightful to behold: and she took of the fruit thereof, and did munch, and gave to her husband, who did crunch.

7\. And the eyes of them both were opened: and when they perceived themselves to be naked, they sewed together fig leaves, and made themselves aprons. Finally, the nudists were no more.

8\. And when they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in paradise at the afternoon air, Adam and his wife (who apparently doesn't deserve to be named) hid themselves from the face of the Lord God, amidst the trees of paradise. 

9\. And the Lord God called Adam, and said to him: "Where art thou?"

10.And he said: "I heard thy voice in paradise; and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself." He didn't wanna flash his big PAPA.

11.And God said to him: "And who hath told thee that thou wast naked, but that thou hast eaten of the tree whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldst not eat?" God spoke to thee in his big dick energy voice, to whom the people would fear.

12.And Adam said: "The woman (once again not named), whom thou gavest me to be my companion, gave me of the tree, and I did crunch."

13.And the Lord God said to the woman whom it is illegal to name: "Why hast thou done this?" And she answered: "The serpent deceived me, and I did munch."

14.And the Lord God said to the serpent (technically a lizard): "Because thou hast done this thing, thou art cursed among all cattle, and beasts of the earth: upon thy breast shalt thou go, and earth shalt thou eat all the days of thy life." And thus, snakes (lizards without legs) were made.

15."I will put enmities between thee and the woman, and thy seed and her seed: she shall cursh thy head, and thou shalt lie in wait for her heel." And that is why women and snakes hate each other, apparently. 

16.To the woman also he said: "I will multiply thy sorrows, and thy conceptions: in sorrow shalt thou bring forth children, and thou shalt be under thy husband's power, and he shall have dominion over thee." Sexism was now in full-fledged power.

17.And to Adam he said: "Because thou hast hearkened to the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee, that thou shouldst not eat, cursed is the earth in thy work: with labour and toil shalt thou eat thereof all the days of thy life." This bitch is the reason we have to work for food. Quick! Throw all the tomatoes you bought at him!

18."Thorns and thistles shall it bring forth to thee, and thou shalt eat the herbs of the earth.

19.In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread till thou return to the earth out of which thou wast taken: for dust thou art, and into dust thou shalt return." Death! What a great way to describe the inevitable. 

20.And Adam called the name of his wife Eve (fucking finally): because she was the mother of all the living.

21.And the Lord God was all like "Bruh, I just now realized you got mad tiny dick syndrome, Adam. You too, Eve. You ain't got no dick at all!" and made for Adam and his wife garments of skins and clothed them.

22.And he said: "Behold Adam is become as one of us, knowing good and evil: now therefore lest perhaps he put forth his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live forever."

23.And the Lord God sent him out of the paradise of pleasure, to till the earth from which he was taken.

24.And he cast out Adam: and placed before the paradise of pleasure Cherubim's, and a flaming sword, turning every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.


	4. Genesis | Chapter Four

1\. And Adam knew Eve his wife; who conceived and brought forth Cain, saying: "I have gotten a man through God." Like, yeah. I hope you know your wife. The one who gave birth to your child. 

2\. And again, she brought forth his brother Abel. And Abel was a shepherd, and Cain a husbandman. A very nice husbandman, aside from the fact that there are no people for him to marry other than his family, and I'm pretty sure that's not good.

3\. And it came to pass after many days, that Cain offered, of the fruits of the earth, gifts to the Lord. Because picking the fruit that God had already grown and giving them back to him is exactly what he wanted. That's like a relative hand knitting a sweater for you and you giving the same sweater back to the same relative the next holiday.

4\. Abel also offered of the firstlings of his flock, and of their fat: and the Lord had respect to Abel, and to his offerings. That is a better present than Cain's. At least Abel raised his cattle himself. 

5\. But to Cain and his offerings he had no respect: and Cain was exceeding angry, and his countenance fell. I literally had to google the word 'countenance' because I am big dumb and the god squad lives in my soul, but apparently it means facial expression. So, Cain basically made a sad face. 

6\. And the Lord said to him: "Why art thou angry? And why is thy countenance (owo) fallen?

7\. If thou do well, shalt thou not receive? But if ill, shall not sin forthwith be present at the door? But the lust thereof shall be under thee, and thou shalt have dominion over it." God's a horny bitch, lust doesn't have anything to do with what's going on, and yet he still mentions it.

8\. And Cain said to Abel his brother: "Let us go forth abroad." And when they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel, and slew him. This bitch god sad cause God didn't like his gift and straight up killed a bitch. 

9\. And the Lord said to Cain: "Where the fuck is your brother Abel?" And he answered: "I know not: am I a brotherkeeper?"

10.And God said to him: "What hast thou done? The voice of thy brothers' blood crieth to me from the earth.

11.Now therefore cursed shalt thou be upon the earth, which hath opened her mouth and received the blood of thy brother at thy hand.

12.When thou shalt till it, it shall not yield to thee its fruit: a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be upon the earth."

13.And Cain said to the Lord: "My iniquity is greater than that I may deserve pardon.

14.Behold thou dost cast me out this day from the face of the earth, and from thy face I shall be hid, and I shall be a vagabond and a fugitive on the earth: everyone therefore that findeth me, shall kill me." 

15.And the Lord said to him: "No, it shall not so be but whosoever shall kill Cain, shall be punished sevenfold." And the Lord set a mark upon Cain, that whosoever found him should not kill him. The Mark of Cain uwu. We got some bad memories from that. 

16.And Cain went out from the face of the Lord and dwelt as a fugitive on the earth at the east side of Eden. East side, Aziraphale could see Cain walkin' oOoOoOooOoo. I'm fucking retarded don't mind me. 

17.And Cain knew his wife, and she conceived, and brought forth Henoch: and he built a city and called the name thereof by the name of his son Henoch. I don't even fucking know how Cain got a wife unless the wife was his sister or something. I'm seeing some plot holes here God, you might want to try editing before you publish. What the fuck am I talking about, I don't even fucking proof read my essays for school. 

18.And Henoch begot Irad, and Irad begot Maviael, and Maviael begot Mathusael, and Mathusael begot Lamech, (these all sound like names I would come up with tbh. Myael lookin' ass)

19.Who took two wives: the name of the one was Ada, and the name of the other Sella. 

20.And Ada brought forth Jabel: who was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of herdsmen. Nice. Jabels ass fathered all the herdsmen in the world. Be nice to him. 

21.And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of them that play upon the harp and the organs. For like a split second after I read this part I forgot that an organ was a type of musical instrument and I was just very confused. He plays my lungs like a flute. 

22.Sella also brought forth Tubalcain, who was a hammerer and artificer in every work of brass and iron. And the sister of Tubalcain was Noema.

23.And Lamech said to his wives Ada and Sella: "Hear my voice, ye wives of Lamech, hearken to my speech: for I have slain a man to the wounding of myself, and a stripling to my own bruising." Like, asdhgsfghjyrthyegrfvbgh. BITCH, you just gonna fucking throw that one someone. Oh, hey my two wives. I might have murdered a bitch, but you don't have to worry about it. 

24.Sevenfold vengeance shall be taken for Cain: but for Lamech seventy times sevenfold. I don't know what that means, but I'm pretty sure it's bad. 

25.Adam also knew his wife again: and she brought forth a son, and called his name Seth, saying: God hath given me another seed for Abel, whom Cain slew. Adam at 80 years old, getting to know his wife again. Eve also at 80 years old, having another child. This girl's going to die soon. 

26.But to Seth also was born a son, whom he called Enos: this man began to call upon the name of the Lord.


	5. Genesis | Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just saying that this chapter is shit and you can skip it if you want because the next one is better. Like, way better

1\. This is the book of the generation of Adam. In the day that God created man, he made him to look like him because God is a self-absorbed bitch.

2\. He created them male and female; and blessed them: and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created. Only Adam, Eve didn't have name back then because God is not only racist and self-absorbed, but he's also sexist.

3\. And Adam lived a hundred and thirty years and begot a son to his own image and likeness and called his name Seth. Yes, only Adam participated in the creation of his son, Eve did nothing. 

4\. And the days of Adam, after he begot Seth, were eight hundred years: and he begot sons and daughters.

5\. And all the time that Adam lived, came to nine hundred and thirty years, and he died. That bitch was old when he died. 

6\. Seth also lived a hundred and five years, and begot Enos.

7\. And Seth lived after he begot Enos, eight hundred and seven years, and begot sons and daughters.

8\. And all the days of Seth were nine hundred and twelve years, and he died.

9\. And Enos lived ninety years, and begot Cainan.

10.After whose birth he lived eight hundred and fifteen years, and begot sons and daughters. I don't even know how many children all of these motherfuckers had. Must have been a lot because they lived for quite a long time.

11.And all the days of Enos were nine hundred and five years, and he died.

12.And Cainan lived seventy years, and begot Malaleel.

13.And Cainan lived after he begot Malaleel, eight hundred and forty years, and begot sons and daughters.

14.And all the days of Cainan were nine hundred and ten years, and he died.

15.And Malaleel lived sixty-five years and begot Jared.

16.And Malaleel lived after he begot Jared, eight hundred and thirty years, and begot sons and daughters.

17.And all the days of Malaleel were eight hundred and ninety-five years, and he died. I literally cannot change these because it's just going over the same thing over and over again. 

18.And Jared lived a hundred and sixty-two years, and begot Henoch.

19.And Jared lived after he begot Henoch, eight hundred years, and begot sons and daughters.

20.And all the days of Jared were nine hundred and sixty-two years, and he died.

21.And Henoch lived sixty-five years, and begot Mathusala.

22.And Henoch walked with God: and lived after he begot Mathusala, three hundred years, and begot sons and daughters.

23.And all the days of Henoch were three hundred and sixty-five years.

24.And he walked with God and was seen no more: because God took him.

25.And Mathusala lived a hundred and eighty-seven years, and begot Lamech.

26.And Mathusala lived after he begot Lamech, seven hundred and eighty-two years, and begot sons and daughters. I'm sorry you must endure this torture.

27.And all the days of Mathusala were nine hundred and sixty-nine years, and he died.

28.And Lamech lived a hundred and eighty-two years and begot a son.

29.And he called his name Noe, saying: This same shall comfort us from the works and labors of our hands on the earth, which the Lord hath cursed.

30.And Lamech lived after he begot Noe, five hundred and ninety-five years, and begot sons and daughters.

31.And all the days of Lamech came to seven hundred and seventy-seven years, and he died. And Noe, when he was five hundred years old, begot Sem, Cham, and Japheth.


	6. Genesis | Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh I don't know why but I'm really proud of this chapter

1\. Fuck, there are so many kids. They are just spawning everywhere. Please get the adults to stop fucking and having so many daughters. 

2\. The men are also apparently allowed to just pick someone and marry them without asking first. We know why Christian's are kinda the worst now, they're right the bible does say this shit. Also this part was about Angels getting it on with random women.

3\. And then God's all like, "My person suit is literally about to die because he is only flesh that was supposed to live for like 120 years so ahaha nice."

4\. Also there are fucking giants just roaming around because the Angels went around and fucked and apparently nephilim are just giants. That's what they are. 

5\. God looked at the people and just thought, "Huh, these guys are looking pretty evil. I mean, literally everyone is doing something absolutely wicked, and not in the cool way. They are just destroying ass down there. Fucking rawing it. This is not what I wanted.

6\. God basically thought we were terrible, terrible children and became an upset little bitch. 

7\. And God said, "I'm just going to fucking murder every single one of you motherfuckers just because I can and also you guys suck and I wish I hadn't created you. 

8\. But Noe/Noah was the only exception.

9\. Noe (whom we'll call Noah for now because that's what I'm used to calling him when talking about this myth) was basically Gods little bitch, the teachers pet you could say, and they skipped down the shore of a beach together like little children or adults who are really sheltered from reality. 

10\. Noah (fence) had three sons with really weird names, per usual. Sem, Cham, and Japheth.

11\. The earth was trash so God disowned it. 

12\. When God realised that it was trash

13\. He said to Noah, "I'm 'boutta commit genocide. Do you wanna build a boat and get you and your family out of here?"

14\. It's gotta be a big boat.

15\. Like, really big. (Ah, the wonders of paraphrasing)

16\. With a window too. We wouldn't wanna forget the window.

17\. Because I'm about to flood this bitch. The entirety of it, so....

18\. Like, take your wife and kids and their wives. 

19\. And one male and one female sex of every other flesh creature to stay on the boat with you. 

20\. So that they can survive too. I know (Noe. Ha) it'll be hard to get all of those in like a year but you'll be fine. 

21\. Also get, like, a shit ton of food. Water won't be a problem though if you're okay with drinking water that had dead bodies floating in it, ya know?

22\. And so Noah did all that shit, but I'm kinda wishing he hadn't because then this all would've been over long ago.


	7. Genesis | Chapter Seven

1\. God said to Noah, "Go live on the ark with your family because y'all are the only motherfuckers I respect in this fucking place."

2\. "And of all the clean beasts take a male and female of each species." Because apparently there are clean and unclean animals now.

3\. "Literally just take one male and female of each species so they can survive and reproduce because, ya know, I'm about to commit mass genocide."

4\. "Okay so here's my master plan, I'm gonna fucking make it rain but in the literal sense. For a very long time. Like, hopefully y'all know how to grow shit on a boat because this is going to take a while.

5\. And Noah did all the shit God told him to.

6\. Holy Fucking Shit, Noah is an old man when the flood happens. The bitch is 600 years old.

7\. So Noah got his and his family's asses on the ark because the flood started.

8\. And they also brought the clean and unclean beasts and whatever the fuck other animals there are.

9\. One male and one female, as Big Daddy God had commanded.

10\. God flooded the earth after seven days. It's always seven days.

11\. There is a lot of water for 600 year old Noah.

12\. Literally it rained for a very long time. 40 days and 40 nights.

13\. So, ya know, Noah and his sons Sem, Cham, and Japheth plus all their wives which don't FUCKING get names because the Bible is MISOGYNISTIC went into the ark.

14\. They just like took a SHIT ton of animals with them.

15\. Bro this chapter is so repetitive like we already know they went onto the ark you don't have to keep saying it (take a wild guess about what was said in part 15).

16\. God fucking locked them into the ark. Oh God oh fuck Noah you're being held hostage. Oh shit he can't hear us, the rising air pressure filling his ears because of the rising water pushing the ark up made him temporarily hard of hearing.

17\. Bro his ears probably fucking HURT once he got that high up, I go up a singular hill and my ears popping makes me so uncomfortable. Or maybe I'm just a pussy with no pain tolerance.

18\. They're floating in the water. Yep. That's all that's going on.

19\. Y'all the waters were so high that the mountaintops were covered.

20\. The water was fifteen cubits higher than the mountaintops it covered. 

21\. All men fucking perished. It said all men. It also said all things of flesh but like,,, all men were destroyed.

22\. Only the ark contained the breath of life now because everything else was fucking DEAD.

23\. It repeats once again that the beings on the ark are the only ones that survived.

24\. It stopped raining but the waters stayed for another 150 days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you know the title says that I'm a Christian, and I was when I started writing this. Well maybe you can tell that I wasn't really happy with my religion seeing as I called God racist and misogynistic multiple times. The only reason I hadn't actually switched faiths yet was because of my intense fear of hell. I may not agree with Christianity but I had been raised since birth to believe in hell, in eternal punishment. It's very hard to stop believing in something you've always believed in. I was unhappy, I lashed out at every over dreamy mention of God. Every Christian song, every little story of faith. I wanted to change but I don't really vibe with eternal torture because I don't really like being in pain, but I switched beliefs non the less. I had always felt a pull towards pagan gods. It might have started when I read Rick Riordan's books, or it could have started when I had to do a little project on the greek gods in fifth grade, but I've always felt a sort of attraction to anything about that topic. Apollo specifically. I now am an Omnist. I believe and respect every religions existence. But more specifically I am an Apollo devotee. This is just an update on my religous standings. These changes might not be permanent because I still have fears of hell somewhere deep down, but I'm happy with it and am keeping it for now. 💜💛


End file.
